Wednesday, May 23, 2012

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Unprovoked aggression.

I have been on the computer looking for the good water filter when my mother came in to tell me that I was supposed to walk my dogs two hours ago. I didn’t like the tone she has used while talking to me, so one thing led to another and I ended up throwing dog’s leashes at her. I think that lack of sleep is making me loose my self-control which is scary to me as I am not a violent type of person. Does anyone has a method of dealing with mood swings caused by fatigue?

My nightmare trip or how I have sliped back into sugar adiction.

More then 5 years ago I had done sugar detox it has been miserable time for me with a lot of headaches and cold like symptoms. After it was all over I had been feeling great, my depression forgotten. I have been clean for a year when my grandmother’s friend had decided to hook me up with a acquaintance son. I have agreed and she gave him my phone number. He has called me and that’s how my long distance relationship has started. I thought he was kind, sweet, and smart. I thought he was a perfect man for me so after a year of communication over the phone I have aloud to talk myself into going to Germany where my Prince Charming had lived. Before booking the ticket, that I have stupidly paid for myself, we had made a verbal agreement that all the worm clothing will be provided on my arrival after all it has been winter. I live in CA and have no need for anything warmer than a jacket. By my arrival to Germany I have soon realized that they are not planning to keep their word and I have to buy everything on my own. Not only that my Guide, by then ex-prince charming, was not in much of a hurry to take me to a place where I can exchange money. So not was I only without any worm clothing, but without any money at least any that would be excepted in the stores (he had explained to me that the dollar was not excepted in most stores, he never told me where it is excepted). That’s how I spend my two miserable weeks. Why I didn’t leave? The thing is I was staying at his mother’s place. Every time I talked to someone on the phone she would be there listening so it made it kind of hard to talk to anyone. I also wasn’t sure how I can exchange the ticket without having to answer a few uncomfortable questions. By now I am sure you are wondering what does depression has to do with all of this. This is what. I have been so called and miserable that I started eating sugary foods again. At first everything was fine and I had started to believe that it will always be this way, but alas I was wrong my depression has returned. Now I have to go through all this uncomfortable proses again.

I am so worthless and cowardly. I can't even commit suicide. I don't deserve to live.