Thursday, June 6, 2013

Dillemma

Marriage
Marriage (Photo credit: Lel4nd)
I want to get married, but am afraid to repeat the mistake of my mother. My mother had married when she was 18. A year later I was born, not long after my father had left the family. He came back when I was 5 years old. I remember it was a shock for me, I though that another man was my father. I looked at my mother in hopes that she was going to tell me it’s not true, but she didn’t. We started living as a family again. Sounds like a happy ending to a fairy tale, doesn’t it? A man realizes his mistake and ran back into the arms of his loving wife, whom he left with the child. What can go wrong from there? It’s life a lot of things can go wrong and they have. My father was irritated by about anything I did and said. Even the way I cough has irritated him. He was the worst after he had been drinking and he had been drinking a lot. Still my mother had staid with him. Thinking that any father was better then no father at all. A year in a half after my father had returned I had a sister. She had not turned one year when my mother had overwhelmed by fear for our safety had kicked him out. It had been too late for me however, the damage has been done. I feel that marriage is a trap. It ruins my relationships even before they start. I need to let go of the preconceived notions I have about marriage. The obstacle is, with this philosophy I am protecting myself from getting hurt. The only problem with it - in my attempt to protect myself from ending up like my mother I end up getting hurt by rejection. To achieve my goal I need to change my tactic, I need to be more sensitive to my feelings and feelings of others; and to stop living in the past.
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